How can I breathe through my eyes?

I know this is bad, but I stereotype people that do yoga. I feel like most people that do yoga are hippie like, and not even the hippies that you like, but the hippies you want to punch. I know that this stereotype is unnecessary, but it's how I feel. I don’t even think there is something wrong with hippie like people, unless they are running yoga classes or dvds. I guess it’s really the language that yoga instructors and other yoga enthusiasts use.

I’ve toyed with the thought of doing yoga for a long time, but I do not want to go to a yoga class. There are two very simple reasons for that as well:

1. Everyone I know that goes to a yoga class says that people always fart. I’m very juvenile and gas makes me laugh. I don’t think laughing uncontrollably at someone else’s expense is a yoga philosophy.
2. I’m afraid if I go to a class my awful, sarcastic, a-hole side will take over. I’m afraid if people start talking about their energy, focus, movements, and thoughts I might laugh in their face and tell them to shut up because they are being stupid. I’m not a mean person, I swear, but I also can’t tolerate crap, and I think they are just trying to sound cool. [That’s just my opinion. Hopefully you aren’t too offended. If you are, oh well. :) ]

Because of the above mentioned reasons, I have decided to do yoga dvds to get started, but I ran into problems there too! I need a beginners dvd. I need someone to go through the poses, SLOWLY! If you haven’t done yoga, you can’t just jump right in!

I found this beginners yoga segment on the tv. It was only 20 minutes and I thought it was going to be perfect. I was wrong. They just started calling out poses and I had no clue what was going on. I was trying to watch the tv, but my head was supposed to be facing the ground. I was trying to keep up, but it was not relaxing, it was not refreshing, and I was too stressed trying to figure out what the heck I was supposed to be doing! Then the person said, “Use your leg as an extension of your spine, focus your gaze, and breathe through your eyes.” That was it for me. I stopped, looked at the tv and yelled, “What the eff is wrong with you? You can’t breathe through your eyes. You are stupid and so is your video. Beginners, my ass!”

After that it was a while until I tried yoga again. When I did I finally had success. I just wanted a beginners program that actually took the time to show me the right way to do the poses, what explained what the hell was going on, and was truly relaxing and refreshing. I found this dvd by chance.

YogaWorks for Everybody: Beginners AM/ PM

This video has everything for a true beginner. I highly recommend it. The only downfall in the dvd is the guy that does the AM segment. He looks creepy and makes creepy noises. It feels a little "late night sneaky uncle" for me. I’ve done this dvd so much that now I can tune him out, but I used to look at the tv and tell him to shut up quite often.

I’ve also found another one that is good.

The Biggest Loser: The Workout - Weight Loss Yoga

     

       I don’t watch The Biggest Loser. I don’t like that they vote people off and since they all have to lose weight they should all stay and just pick a winner at the end. It seems cruel to send them home when they want to lose weight. Anyway, I like this dvd because contestants from the show are on there and they have been where I’m at and vise versa. You can also select the segments you want to do. This dvd is very neat, and challenging. I sweat my butt off every time!

If you are thinking of doing yoga, I would try these! I’m hoping to find a few more, just to have some variety. I only do them when I can’t get to the gym or I’m bored and I want to pass a little time. I know that I will never be a stereotypical yoga person and thank God for that, but I’m getting a little more tolerant of the people in the videos. Maybe some day I’ll be able to go to a yoga class.